I spent most of this holiday season attempting to make this year amazing for my kids and myself. It felt so different this year for all of us.
No snow, no family from out of town, different.
I was juggling making memories, being a stay at home mom, homeschooling, while also feeling overwhelmed, tired, stressed.
I did my best to be present, enjoy the days and moments because I was very aware that this year,this precious year where everything felt different, my son also felt different. I was very aware that the magic was needed even more this year for him as well, and that sadly the magic just might not be there for him next year.
So in the midst of all the feeling, the happiness and sadness, the missing people and the loving our time together I was also grieving the fact that my kiddo is growing up.
It is such a strange dichotomy of feeling so blessed to be their mom, and to be a part of them growing, and to witness first hand them changing and growing and becoming... And still grieving the simpler times, the magic filled moments, the awe and wonder that seems to fade year by year and in a blink of an eye.
So did I have an amazing Christmas? Yes absolutely. Was it filled with new memories? Yes. Was there lots of magic, wonder and awe? Yes.
But my heart still aches for what once was, and I am finding peace with that. With the dichotomy that is motherhood, with knowing that maybe these feeling will always be now-
Blessed and filled with love for my children growing and living life, and missing what once was.
Spending time with some family, while missing others, happy to be here and part of me wishing I was there.
Learning to find peace in the middle.
Learning to find balance.
Learning to stay present through it all, but also give myself grace for being human and feeling it all.
Will I ever figure that part out? Who knows. But I will keep trying, keep believing year after year. Keep treasuring this life, and all the ups and downs. Keep moving forward, and still look back at what once was- hopefully always with a full heart, and a smile that I was there for it all.
